


A Quiet Darkness

by ink_stained



Series: Enough for now [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Established Relationship, Jeremy is kind of a mess, M/M, Michael tries his best, Post-Squip, Trying to fix things, angsty fluff, boyf riends - Freeform, post-squip depression, themes of depression, themes of eating difficulty, themes of sex repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 17:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_stained/pseuds/ink_stained
Summary: Some days it’s harder to get out of bed. Ever since the Squip, it’s sometimes hard to function as normal. Today is one of those days.**The Squip left more scars than they thought.





	A Quiet Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> My first Be More Chill fanfiction. Hope you enjoy it. I'm not sure where it came from or what it means but here we go. 
> 
> This play out some years after the whole Squip incident. Jeremy and Michael are a couple and are living together. Jeremy and Christine broke up some time after the play incident but remained friends. 
> 
> Warning:  
> -Themes of depression tho not explicitly stated as such  
> -Themes of sex repulsion/unwillingness towards sexual affection tho not explicitly stated as such  
> -Themes of eating difficulties but also not stated as such

Some days it’s harder to get out of bed. Ever since the Squip, it’s sometimes hard to function as normal. Today is one of those days.

Jeremy lies in bed, awake but not moving. He can hear Michael in the kitchen at the other end of the hallway outside the bedroom, but still he can’t seem to get up. He knows that if he doesn’t go up soon, then Michael will come in and ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t know if he can deal with that at the moment. But still. Somehow raising from the bed feels like a chore that is so much more difficult than usual.

Jeremy takes a deep breath and then shakingly pushes himself up on his forearms and from there he shifts his body weight onto his hands. He stops. Halfway up from the bed he stops and looks down on his hands supporting the rest of his body, who doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. Another deep breath and he’s sitting up. One more and his feet are touching the floor. There he stops again. Michael is still busy in the kitchen, humming a tune, probably some Bob Marley.

There are clothes scattered on the floor by the bed. Jeremy fixes his gaze on them. They were discarded in a haste last night as they came home. He looks away. One more breath and he’s up and walking into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He had promised Michael that he wouldn’t lock the bathroom door anymore but at that moment he just couldn’t be bothered to care. He just wants to be alone. His hands find the sink and clenched tightly at the edges as he looks at himself in the mirror. Dark and tired eyes look back at him. Brown hair curls softly around his face and he blows at it to get it out of his eyes. He doesn’t stop watching himself.

There are bruises on his chest. He studies them closely, thinking that maybe they’re not really there and that they will leave if he watches them close enough. They stay, they always do. But they disappear when he puts on a shirt, just like always. It’s just as it normally is.

Jeremy tears his eyes away from his body and grabs his toothbrush. It’s blue. He doesn’t like blue anymore but Michael still does and he doesn’t want to annoy him. After all, it’s just a toothbrush and Michael is the one who brought them. It’s fine. _It can’t hurt you anymore. It’s gone._

There’s blood in the foam when he spits but he pretends not to notice as he watches it get washed away by the running water.

He leaves the bathroom and picks up the first shirt he sees on the floor. Not the one from yesterday, it’s too far away and he doesn’t want to wear it again. Not yet. Instead, he picks up a shirt from a couple of days ago, it’s a grey long sleeved one. He puts it on. The only trousers that lie on the floor are the ones from yesterday. He ignores them and pulls another pair from the drawer instead. They’re faded black and sits loosely on his hips. Most of his clothes do nowadays. Michael says it’s nothing to worry about and that they soon will fit again but Jeremy is not so certain. _After all, it’s better that they’re loose, more chill._

He let’s yesterday's clothes lie where they lie on the floor and heads out of the bedroom. He knows that Michael doesn’t like it when he leaves clothes on the floor but he can’t be bothered to care at the moment.

Michael is in the kitchen making breakfast. Jeremy sits down at the table and watches Michael work around the kitchen. He likes watching Michael cook, it brings him calm.

“Morning,” his voice is quiet and a little rough from misuse.

Michael turns around and smiles that bright but still concerned smile that lately has been reserved for him.

“Did you sleep well?” Michael asks and puts a steaming cup of coffee in front of him.

Jeremy shrugs and picks up the cup, taking a sip.

Michael smiles again, not as bright, and places a plate in front of them both before taking a seat across from Jeremy.

Jeremy picks up his fork at the same time as Michael but he doesn’t eat. Not yet.

“So I was thinking we could go to the park after breakfast,” Michael suggests as he eats. “Maybe meet up with Christine?”

Jeremy doesn’t answer him, he just stares at his food.

“Jer?” Michael stopped eating and is looking at him now.

He looks up. “Yeah,” he says. “We could do that.” He stares down at his food again.

Michael looks over him, his smile weak, before continuing eating.

Jeremy puts a bit of scrambled egg into his mouth, chews, swallows, repeat, until the eggs are gone. He then puts his fork down. not caring that there’s still food on his plate. Not caring that it will make Michael worry. He just doesn’t want to eat anymore. He can’t. _Pathetic._

He finishes his coffee and then stands up. “I’ll go change for the park,” he tells Michael and heads towards the bedroom. He doesn’t look back when he hears Michael sigh. Neither when he hears Michael’s plate being exchanged for his. He pretends not to notice.

In the bedroom he opens the wardrobe and just stares indifferently at the clothes for a moment. In the end, he pulls out Michaels old red hoodie and puts it on along with a pair of fluffy socks. It’s a fluffy socks day.

His scarf is on the windowsill by the bed. As he grabs it he lies down on his stomach on the bed. He continues to lie there for a while. He can’t get up. It’s too much effort behind it. Effort he just can’t put up. He lies there watching the clouds pass by the window. Thinking about flying away and never return. How easy it would be to just disappear and never look back. _Disappear._

He can hear Michael in the hallway. He knows that Michael will be disappointed in him for just laying there but he still can’t get up. The bed is too comfortable. The clouds too mesmerising. And himself too tired.

There is a sigh in the doorway. Michael.

_I’m sorry._

He still doesn’t move.

Footsteps approach but he still can’t be bothered to move. The clouds move slowly outside the window.

He feels the bed dip down and a warm hand on his back, a soft voice in his ear. “Hey.”

“I’m sorry.” It’s low, barely there.

“I know.” The hand moves up his back and then down again. Slow patterns. It’s comforting.

The hand stops and the bed dip further down. He feels a weight against his back and a soft press of lips on his neck. He still doesn’t move. There are fewer clouds outside the window now.

More slight presses against his neck, trailing down. It’s soft and sweet but it makes his skin crawl. He doesn’t move.

Michael falls onto his side in front of him. He’s blocking the clouds outside the window.

Jeremy looks at him with a blank expression.

Michael smiles softly. “Hey.”

“Hey.” The reply is weak, broken, but it’s there and it makes Michael’s smile just a little brighter.

“How are you holding up?” The question is asked in a light manner but there is an underlying worry underneath. _“Is it happening again?”_

“I’m alright.” _“It never stops.”_

It’s the same answer as usual. Not great, not worse, not okay. It’s alright. It will always be alright. Even when there is no clouds or the option of flying away and never look back is so tempting. Even then, it’s always alright.

“Good.” The smile is back. Good. There should always be a smile on Michael’s face. Jeremy knows this. It’s something he’s been thinking about a lot. Hating himself for making that smile disappear from Michael’s face but not being able to help it. _Weak._

He smiles back. It’s weak, but it’s there.

“How about we skip the park today?” Michael’s hand is warm as it comes to rest on his cheek in a loving caress. “I’ll text Christine and tell her we’re staying inside today.”

Jeremy nods and closes his eyes. Letting the tension in his body seep out and just feeling the warmth of Michael’s hand on his face.

***

When Jeremy wakes up Michael is gone. He sits up on the bed and looks around. His head feels foggy and his limbs tired. He looks out the window. The sky is darkening and the clouds are gone.

He doesn’t want to move but he knows that he has to. He can’t let Michael worry more than he already does.

His legs feel like lead when he finally stands up and leaves the room.

He finds Michael on the couch in the living room watching TV. One of his arms are thrown over the back of the couch and his legs are crossed at the ankles.

Jeremy walks quietly up to him and curls up at his side, not saying a word.

Michael’s arm comes down from the back of the couch and wraps around Jeremy’s back instead. Neither of them says anything as they watch the TV. A sense of calm lies over them and neither is willing to break it by talking about things that both rather just forget.

***

That night Michael cooks Jeremy’s favourite food, lasagna. They lit a couple of candles on the table and there’s soft music in the background. Jeremy knows that it’s because of him that they do this. He knows that even though Michael enjoys every little romantic thing they do together, that this is still ruined by the knowledge that Jeremy is not fully alright after all.

But he still smiles, because even though not everything is alright it’s still pretty good at the moment and he doesn’t want Michael to worry about him. He doesn’t want to destroy Michael’s night. Because Michael deserves this for putting up with his as well as he does.

After dinner Jeremy washes the dishes and Michael dries them off before they settle on the couch and cuddle in front of a movie. It’s perfect in all their imperfectness.


End file.
